Dear Santa
by HauntedMoonlight
Summary: In which everyone's favorite Shinigami write letters to Santa. This is going to end badly, isn't it? Minor romance, nothing heavy.
1. Rangiku Matsumoto

**(: PLEASE READ THE A/N :)**

**A/N: **Hehe, I was reading a Naruto fic about Naruto discoving Santa and thought 'Why not?' since i was bored...and had writer's block on my ongoing stories... I'll be sure to update regularly on this, though the chapters will NOT be as long as my other fics. Just short little cutesy chapters, lol. When I finish, i might write a companion piece showing the shinigamis' reactions to their gifts! So watch out for that!

**Title**: Dear Santa

**Summary: **In which everyone's favorite shinigami write letters to Santa. Let the holiday cheers—and jeers—begin! Mild pairings inside, nothing heavy.

**Word Count**: 888 (not including A/Ns)

**Rating**: K+ or T...I haven't decided, really. Rating might change from time to time.

**Pairings**: Nothing heavy, miscellaneous pairings. Might include some HitsuMatsu, ByaChiru, etc. Nothing really_ romantic_ or hot and heavy, so you could read this even if you don't like the pairings I mentioned.

**Warnings: **Set when Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, Ikkaku, Rukia, etc. went to living world and Hitsugaya and Matsumoto stayed with Orihime, since Matsumoto is in her apartment...

**Disclaimer: **Bleach is Kubo Tite's property. He's the genius who thought of this awesome manga. Not me. Sadly.

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><p><strong>1. Rangiku Matsumoto<strong>

"Orihime-chan, what's a Santa?" A perplexed Matsumoto showed Orihime the picture of a model dressed in a Santa costume in her Vogue magazine. "It says 'Let your inner Santa shine.' What does that mean?"

"Ehh? It can't be that you don't know who _Santa _is!" Orihime stared at Matsumoto as if the busty female shinigami had just sprouted horns and a tail. "Everyone knows Santa!"

Matsumoto pouted, unhappy at being left out by everyone. "Well, I don't! We don't have Santas in Seireitei."

Orihime smiled. She decided to trick her Shinigami friends into believing in Santa and get them gifts. It was the least she could do for them.

She poured some tea into two quaint little teacups, gave one to Matsumoto, and spoke. "Well, Santa's this jolly old man with a white beard who gives everyone presents on December 25th." She thought for a moment before adding hastily. "But only if you write him a list of what you want, mail it to the North Pole, and leave cookies for him at night!"

Matsumoto looked even more confused. "Huh? That sounds like old man Yamamoto. Except he usually doesn't give gifts…"

"Silly! Santa's from the North Pole! It's all the way up there!" Orihime pointed south, mistaking it for north.

"Oooh! I see now…So, do I write him a list?"

"Of course! Or else Santa doesn't know what to get you! But try to keep it simple, and less than 10 items, or else Santa can't fit it all in his sleigh."

Matsumoto nodded wisely, sipping her tea slowly. "I see! Then I'll work on the list right away! It's already the 18th!" She sprang from her chair, set the empty teacup gently on the coffee table, and rushed to the empty room in Orihime's apartment where she was staying. Patrolling with her captain could wait. Santa was the priority!

Once in her barely furnished, rather blank room (she thought the whiteness of it was suffocating), she grabbed a sheet of paper and her favorite blue sparkly pen. "Okay! Here I go…"

_Dear Santa,_

_Hi! I'm Rangiku Matsumoto, fukutaichou of the 10__th__ Division! I'm writing to you because I want gifts! So you better get me the following, or else I'll use Haineko on you. And get my cute little taichou to freeze you!_

Matsumoto paused. What should she ask for? She could only get 10 items at most, and she was at a loss. Suddenly, a light bulb flashed brightly in her head as she grinned and hurriedly started to write again, her pen furiously scratching on the paper.

_Well then! I'll make a list for you to see. You better get me everything!_

_1. First, I want a bag of make-up! I need some eye liner, blush, lipstick, lip gloss, mascara, eye shadow, foundation, face creme, and, of course, Hallibel's Hair-libel Shampoo! It's necessary for good hair, you know?_

_2. Ah, and can you get me a new bright pink scarf? My old one got ripped a bit when I was killing this giant hollow. _

_3. I want to read the next volume of Naruto! And do you have a copy of that book Kakashi's always reading, the Make-out Paradise thing? I've always been so curious!_

_4. I guess I would like some bottles of human sake. Just to see why it's so expensive in Seireitei. It can't be THAT good, can it? Then again, Soul Society's sake is pretty sour, cheap stuff._

_5. A new sheath for Haineko would be useful. A sky-blue one to match my eyes! Or teal to match my adorable taichou's eyes!_

Matsumoto paused, puckering her lips thoughtfully. This was harder than she thought...

_6. My Soul Pager keeps getting all scratched up. Do you have a phone case that fits my Soul Pager? It'd be awesome if you did._

_7. Ummm…Some new sneakers would be appreciated. My pretty shoes keep breaking when I'm training. And it's freaking expensive to repair them._

_8. While we're on the topic of training, do you think you can get some clothes that I can fight in? I hate it when my shirts get ripped and all ugly. And fighting in my haori is impractical. My size is 4. Though the chest area might have to be adjusted a bit…_

_9. Umm, I don't know what else… Do you have the newest Rasengan CD? I want it! _(A/N: Rasengan is my fictional Naruto boy band. Read BleachBook Chapter 3 to find out. And I might have a Naruto fanfiction about Rasengan written soon, so watch out for that!)

_10. Okay, last item! Ehehe, if it's not too much, do you think you can get Hitsugaya to fall in love with me? Or at least go on ONE date with me. If you can't I won't get mad, because it is a rather stupid thing to ask..._

Matsumoto blushed scarlet as she wrote the last one. She couldn't believe what she was asking (much less WHO she was asking), but she had to try. Her taichou was just adorable, and rather handsome, and she really thought she was in love with him. Who wouldn't fall in love with HIM? He was the perfect guy, after all.

She looked over her list again, making sure everything was correctly spelled. As she gently placed it into an envelope, the door banged open, revealing Orihime and a very disgruntled white-haired captain.

"MATSUMOTO! Where were you? I waited over an hour for you to take over patrol! Dammit,woman!" Hitsugaya struggled to keep his anger in check as he glared murderously at his sweat-dropping fukutaichou.

"Hahaha, sorry, taichou." Matsumoto smiled apologetically, quickly handing the envelope to Orihime. The orange haired girl left with a secret smile, shutting the door behind her. She didn't want to spend ANOTHER day listening to the two argue. It could drive a person-even Orihime-insane.

"So? What were you doing?" Hitsugaya growled impatiently.

Matsumoto grinned. Obviously, her cute taichou hadn't heard of Santa yet. "You see, taichou…"

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><p><strong>AN: **So, how was my short lil cutesy chapter? Cute? Lol, I know the list was really lame but I didn't know what the heck I should put.

_PLEASE REVIEW! I'll give cookies! :D_

~**Haunted**_Moonlight_~


	2. Toshiro Hitsugaya

**A/N: **Lol, I finsihed Chapter 2 in...about 30 minutes? Told you I'd update fast. 2 chapters up in a time span of an hour! :D

_Anyways, please enjoy and REVIEW!_

**Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine. Yada yada yada. I get it! By the way, the name Grimmjow's Grimm-gel was though up by a fellow fanfiction writer. I thought it was insanely clever and used it in my story. Thanks!

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><p><em><span>Recap:<span>_

"_So? What were you doing?" Hitsugaya growled impatiently._

_Matsumoto grinned. Obviously, her cute taichou hadn't heard of Santa yet. "You see, taichou…"_

**2. Toshiro Hitsugaya**

"…And that's who Santa is!" Matsumoto finished with a flourish, trying to impress her captain with the fact that she'd been _writing_ (Yes, THE Rangiku Matsumoto was writing) for the past thirty minutes.

Hitsugaya looked extremely unimpressed. "So basically, you're trying to feed me a story about a messed-up Yamamoto who goes around prancing like the sparkly guy in Twilight and giving out presents? Do you thing I'm _that _stupid?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yes—I mean, NO!" Matsumoto looked flustered as she fished for the right words. "Orihime-chan told me that he comes every year on the 25th of December! Which is in…7 days! You have to write him a letter saying 10 things that you want and he'll bring them to you! Get it? Wait. How did you know about Edward? Do you read Twil—" She promptly shut up under the icy glare a certain someone was giving her.

"Hmph. Go patrol. I need some rest." His voice was laced with unspoken threats.

Matsumoto meekly bowed. "Yessir!" She quickly shunpo'd out the room.

Hitsugaya waited a beat before grabbing a sheet of paper off Matsumoto's already cluttered desk, taking a pen from a drawer, and rushing to the room he was using. He wasn't a kid, but _if _the Santa rumor was true…

He sat at his own neat desk, turning on the desk lamp. Head tilted in thought, he began to write.

_Dear Santa,_

_Hello. I am Toshiro Hitsugaya, but you may call me Hitsugaya-taichou. Call me Toshiro or Shiro-kun and I will promptly freeze you into a giant icicle. Anyways, I am writing to ask of you ten items of which I am in dire need. I shall make a list for you, in case you are as stupid as Kurosaki._

_1. Since Matsumoto broke my ink AND brushes a few days ago, I would be thankful if you could bring to me a set. Preferably the 6 ink jars, 12 brushes pack. Urahara Shoten has the best ones, though they are pretty expensive._

_2. I don't suppose you have Grimmjow's Grimm-gel, because it would be awesome if you did. My hair always gets all icky and unstyled when Matsumoto bear hugs me. And glomps me. And tries to suffocate me. Women._

_3. You know that cool manga Death Note? Everyone thinks I like historical, stuffy old books, but I enjoy manga once in a while… I look up to Light, even if he's evil. It takes a lot of smarts to fool the whole world._

_4. You wouldn't happen to have the latest Eminem CDs, would you? I'm his biggest fan. Once I used the 'hunting hollows' excuse to attend his concert. I even got an autograph! Plus, I want to be able to hear 'Love the Way You Lie' and 'Not Afraid' every day._

Hitsugaya was seriously stuck. He was the type of person that didn't really want much and now, given the chance to get ten things, he wasn't sure WHAT.

_5. Huh, I don't really know what to get. Can you go to the Urahara Shoten and pick up a sword-cleaning rag and some special 'Blood-B-Gone' spray for me?_

_6. Oh, and can you buy me some human bleach? It works really well for taking blood and dirt off my haori. You won't believe how much things can bleed._

_7. I would like a small leather pouch that could fit on my waist. It'd be so much easier than having to hold my Soul Pager all day in my hands. _

_8. Ummm, I heard of these humans' vitamin supplements that…could…help people grow… I know it's stupid sounding, but I really want to grow. So I can confess to someone._

_9. Also, I want a gift card for the local book store. Human stories are…entertaining. 1000 kan should be enough. _(A/N: If kan is similar to the Japanese yen, then 1000 kan should be around $10 USD)

10. …_My last request is stupid, insanely so. But if you could convince Matsumoto to maybe…go out with me, I will forever be indebted to you. If such things are beyond your scope, then just forget it._

_Thanks, _

_Toshiro Hitsugaya_

_Taichou of the 10th Division_

Blushing, Hitsugaya sloppily folded the paper up and stuffed it into an envelope he found lying around on his desk. He turned around, about to get up and search for a stamp, and bumped into the grinning girl standing behind him.

"O-Orihime-san! When did you get here?" His face turned an even darker shade of crimson as he tried in vain to hide the envelope behind his back.

Orihime just smiled wider. She'd seen _everything _he'd written, but wasn't about to let the poor, startled taichou realize that. "Oh, I just got here to check up on you. I didn't see anything at all. Except the 'Dear Santa' at the top."

Hitsugaya's face relaxed slightly.

"Ah, Toshiro-kun, if you want me to, I'll address the envelope to Santa for you and add a stamp." Sensing Hitsugaya's hesitation, she added, "If you do it yourself, Rangiku-chan might find you!"

That convinced him. He handed the envelope gratefully to Orihime, not even minding the fact that she'd called him 'Toshiro-kun.' At least it wasn't '-chan.'

The energetic, cheery girl skipped from the room just as the window in Hitsugaya's room opened noisily. Hitsugaya spun around, hand on the hilt of his sword, ready to draw Hyourinmaru. He relaxed slightly when he saw the wild red hair of Renji Abarai appear.

"Hey, Hitsugaya-taichou. I'm here to annoy you!" Renji smiled cheerfully, swinging into the room.

Hitsugaya groaned. "Go play your idiotic games with Madarame or Ayasegawa."

"No can do! They're patrolling. Rukia and I don't have to patrol, but she took off to this art class or whatever. So I'm all alone in the world." He sighed dramatically, a crocodile tear falling pitifully from his eye.

Hitsugaya just rolled his eyes. How could Byakuya stand his retarded, ANNOYING fukutaichou? Suddenly, the exasperated, tired captain thought of something. "Well then, Abarai, I'll tell you about this special guy that comes once every year to give out presents. His name is Santa…"

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><p><strong>AN: **So? How was it? I tried to make it as in character as possible... Hitsugaya and other quiet, brooding types like Byakuya (and Sasuke and Neji from Naruto) are sort of hard to write as for someone as normally cheerful and happy as me. Hope I did alright...

_Please review and give me ideas such as what you think certain characters should ask for! I reply to ALL reviews! And I need ideas!_

**_REVIEW! :)_**

~**Haunted**_Moonlight_~


	3. Renji Abarai

**A/N: **Here's chapter 3, everyone! Yes, I know I didn't put a signature on the end of Matsumoto's letter, but whatever. Let's say that she was so excited that she forgot. Or something...Anyways, this is the longest Dear Santa chapter so far. School starts tomorrow, so updates may be sporadic...

_PLEASE ENJOY! AND REVIEW!_

**Disclaimer: **I'm just a Bleach lover, not the Bleach mangaka. Sorry.

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><p><em><span>Recap:<span>_

_Hitsugaya groaned. "Go play your idiotic games with Madarame or Ayasegawa."_

"_No can do! They're patrolling. Rukia and I don't have to patrol, but she took off to this art class or whatever. So I'm all alone in the world." He sighed dramatically, a crocodile tear falling pitifully from his eye._

_Hitsugaya just rolled his eyes. How could Byakuya stand his lazy fukutaichou? Suddenly, the annoyed, tired captain thought of something. "Well then, Renji, I'll tell you about this special guy that comes once every year to give out presents. His name is Santa…"_

**3. Renji Abarai**

"Oh, I've heard of Santa before!" Renji exclaimed.

"You have?" _'It's impossible for the idiotic redhead to know something before me,_' Hitsugaya thought.

"Duh! He's Yamamoto's secret twin!"

Hitsugaya sweat-dropped. It seemed like Renji had just invented a new level of stupidity. "No, he's this guy that looks a bit like an unscarred Yamamoto that's fatter. Every year on December 25th, he comes to bring you gifts. But you have to mail him a list! Or else you get nothing."

The redhead suddenly turned his ecstatic eyes to Hitsugaya. "_ANYTHING _I want?"

The white-haired taichou shrugged. "I think it might've been only ten things."

Renji's face fell a bit, but he still looked abnormally excited. "Well then, I better get going! See ya!" He leapt out of the open window and raced down to Ichigo's house. Hitsugaya sighed in relief. Nest time to get Renji out of his hair, he was going to tell some twisted story about hunting for the Hollowfied Loch Ness Monster in Karakura Park's pond.

Renji muttered to himself as he flitted down the street. "Hmmm…There's that new Call of Duty game. And that awesome Harry Potter Role Playing thing…" He skidded to a stop in front of the substitute shinigami's house, before quickly leaping up into the 2nd story bedroom window. He looked around the room. Good. Ichigo wasn't there.

"Well then…" The shinigami grabbed a piece of lined paper and a pencil from Ichigo's study desk and hopped onto the bed, thinking unusually hard. This _was _rather important after all. And important things needed brainpower. And so he began to write.

_Hiya Santa!_

_So, wassup, dude? I'm the great, brilliant, awesomely strong Renji Abarai. I'm writing this letter to demand the ten gifts you're supposed to give me. So yeah, here's my list of the ten items. Why only TEN?_

_1. Okay, so I want the new PlayStation. Because you can't play games without a PlayStation, dude._

_2. Ummm, do you have the new Naruto video game? Because that's totally freaking awesome!_

_3. I need a Japanese-English dictionary. Last time I went to New York to get rid of this pesky Hollow, this guy came up and said something about welcoming me to the Big Apple in English. And I was all, 'Excuse me? In Japan we eat apples' in Japanese and he didn't understand me. So I wiped his memory._

_4. I want some human sake, baby! Rangiku, Hisagi, Ikkaku, Kira and I want to try it out but its freaking expensive in Seireitei. 2,000 kan for a glass. No way!_

_5. You wouldn't happen to have Yammy's Yummy Yams, would you? Dude, those are THE best yams in the world. But because they're Espada-made, it's damn hard to find them. They're total black-market items. So you might wanna check the Urahara Shoten._

_6. I need some hair ties for my awesomely hot hair. Because my hair ties keep breaking in battle and I'm all 'WTF' because I can't see. So annoying._

_7. Wow, I can't believe I've written so much! It's more than I usually write in a month…And I'm only on number 7. Heh, I'm so SMART. Anyways, I need a gift card to a tattoo parlor. Maybe 1,500 kan? I'm thinking of getting this really cool new tattoo. You wouldn't believe the humans imaginations._

_8. One word: PLAYBOY. Or is it two words? Or one? I'm confused…But I want the swimsuit model edition. Because it's hot. But don't tell Rukia I asked for it, or I'm gonna get my ass handed back to me by a midget._

_9. I want goggles from The Silver Dragonfly! Shirogane put out this damn awesome pair for sale, but I've been unable to buy it because he banned me from his store for a month thanks to me and Yumichika having a TINY battle in there. Geez, all I did was tell him he looked hideous in those sunglasses. He didn't have to go all psycho on me. And then I get banned for defending myself. _

_10. Damn, last one already. Hmm. Oh yeah! You know that cool body armor the human police wear? Bullet-proof vest or whatever? I wanna try one on. Heh. Bet Zangetsu won't be able to cut through me this time!_

_Well then, that's all I guess. Don't have the space to ask for a Lamborghini, so I'll leave it at that. See ya around._

_Renji Abarai_

Renji smiled to himself as he stuffed the paper into an envelope, not even noticing his zanpakuto materialize.

'_Che. Idiot. You didn't even ask for anything for me?' _Zabimaru yelled indignantly.

"Go away…It's MY ten things." Renji grunted, turning towards the still open window. "I'm leaving you here with Sode no Shirayuki (A/N: Rukia's sword) while I give my letter to Orihime and ask her to mail it for me. Play nice."

Zabimaru glared at his wielder as he left the room. Sometimes Zabimaru wished he could've gotten someone else. Someone NICER.

'_What's wrong?' _Sode no Shirayuki asked, her voice concerned.

'_Sigh…My stupid user decided to abandon me here with you. After writing a letter to Santa and not even asking for anything for ME,' _Zabimaru growled.

'_Santa? Who's that?' _The female zanpakuto asked thoughtfully.

Zabimaru replied, _'This old dude with a beard that comes every year on December 25__th__ and gives you gifts. But you have to mail him a letter telling him 10 things you want. Or else he doesn't give you anything. After you write the letter, it seems you have to give it to Orihime so she can hand it over to Santa.'_

'_How interesting!' _Sode no Shirayuki laughed. Suddenly, she perked up. _'Ah! Rukia's coming back from her art lessons!'_

A moment later, the petite form or Rukia appeared through the door and both zanpakuto returned into their swords.

Grabbing her zanpakuto, Rukia grinned. "My teacher LOVED my art. She said it's very abstract! Whatever that means!"

'_That's nice. But have you heard of Santa?'_

"What's a Santa? Is he an enemy? Like...like AIZEN?" Rukia tensed.

Her zanpakuto giggled. Sometimes she couldn't believe the stupidity of her wielder. But at least Rukia wasn't a lazy bum like Renji... '_Silly! I'll tell you who he is…'_

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><p><strong>AN: **Yeah, I failed on the zanpakuto talking part. But I was running out of time and tried to make the ending as quick as possible. Sorry for my rushed, ugly ending!

By the way, I love Renji. LOL. He's adorable, but I made him slightly stupid for the purposes of this story. So don't think I hate Renji and flame me. Because Renji's cute. Hehe.

_**REVIEW! AND ADD TO YOUR ALERTS, BECAUSE UPDATES MIGHT BE SPORADIC SINCE SCHOOL IS STARTING REALLY SOON!**_

~**Haunted**_Moonlight_~


	4. Rukia Kuchiki

**A/N: **Hiya! So I've decided: This fanfiction will be updated weekly, or twice/thrice a week if I have the time (and not too much homework). My BleachBook and BleachBook: Hueco Mundo Edition will also be updated weekly. If you haven't already read those, please do. It's like Facebook, only Bleach-ed. Also, my ShowOfLove: Hianmori vs. Matsumoto will HOPEFULLY be updated soon. I know I suck for not updating that, and I'm sorry. Really.

Anyways, please enjoy and review!

**Disclaimer: **Bleach and Facebook. Both awesome, both not mine. See the connection?

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><p><em><span>Recap:<span>_

'_That's nice. But have you heard of Santa?'_

"_What's a Santa? Is he an enemy?" Rukia tensed._

'_Silly! I'll tell you who he is…'_

**4. Kuchiki Rukia**

'…_And he brings you presents every year. But there are a few conditions, so don't start getting all excited and foolish like I'm sure Renji did. For one thing, you have to write him a letter and give it to Orihime to mail to Santa. Also, you can only pick TEN things. So choose wisely. And remember that I would REALLLLLY like a new sheath. This one's getting all old and scratchy. I have very sensitive skin, you know.' _Sode no Shirayuki wrinkled her nose, motioning towards her old leather sheath.

Rukia sweat-dropped. Zanpakuto had…skin? "Well, then, I have to write a letter, I suppose. I'll just use Ichigo's desk."

Grabbing the pencil Renji had left behind, the small, brunette shinigami grabbed a sheet of loose-leaf paper from the substitute shinigami's table and sat down, twiddling the black pen between her fingers.

"Hey, Shirayuki. What should I get? Anything I want can be bought since I _am_ a member of the Kuchiki family. Thought I suppose I would get a bit embarrassed to ask nii-san about some personal girl things…"

The zanpakuto spirit chuckled loudly, causing her mistress to glare at her. _'Well, just ask for things you don't feel like asking Byakuya for. I don't know, smutty books or boy band CDs… and my sheath, of course. I'd like a brand new smooth leather one with silver linings and…'_

Rukia tuned her chatty zanpakuto out as she slowly began writing in elegant, neat print:

_Hello, Santa._

_My name is Rukia Kuchiki. As you probably already know, I wish to ask ten items of you. If possible, could you please kindly deliver them to me? If you'd like compensation, I will not hesitate to give you as much money as the items cost. So, here are my ten wanted things._

_1. Well, my zanpakuto keeps pestering me, so the first thing I'll ask for is a new sheath. Preferably, the sheath will be smooth leathery material with silver linings, because silver is good for her nonexistent 'allergies.' You don't HAVE to deliver this. I can tell Shirayuki you forgot…_

_2. Umm. You know that new book by the mysterious, unnamed author, Haineko Matsumoto? The one titled __Passion on a Starry Night__. I sort of want to read that. If it's not too much trouble, heheh. God, Haineko is such a good author! I want to find out whoever she could POSSIBLY be!_

_3. My curling iron broke a few nights ago, as it is extremely difficult to get my hair all shapely on the ends. I request a new one, please. Preferably the Urahara Shoten's Hair-o-Matic Mega Curler 3000._

_4. I want to read gossip magazines here in the living world. Can you get me some People, OK! Magazine, In Touch, Star, and US Weekly._

_5. Although it may not look like it (I need to keep up my reputations for nii-sama), I am a total geek. Do you have university-prep extra-advanced AP Calculus study books? If you don't I'd be fine with AP Literature textbooks._

_6. I have heard of this great phenomenon on Earth called Eminem who can apparently talk very fast to a beat. Sado-kun and Ichigo both admire him, so I'd like his new CD. I believe it's called Recovery?_

_7. Honestly, I cannot think of any more…Ah, Shirayuki apparently also wants a warm sash I can tie around her hilt. So she won't get COLD in the winter. Or when Hitsugaya-taichou's mad at Matsumoto for skipping out on work. Whichever comes first._

_8. CHAPPY! I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST REMEMBERED MY GOOD OLD FRIEND! GIVE ME CHAPPY STUFF! (Like the new Chappy soul candy case! It's only available through certain…back street sources…)_

_9. They have a Chappy graphic novel called 'Adventures of a Curious Bunny!' MUST. READ. PLEASE BUY FOR ME. (Also only available through back street sources…)_

_10. Last item! Too bad, I was just getting into the Chappy spirit. *sigh* Well, I guess what I want the most in the entire world is nii-sama's respect. I wish he could actually TRUST me, or at least look me in the eye. And no matter how much of a stick he has up his ass, he can probably afford to at least talk cordially to his adoptive sister. And by talk cordially I do NOT mean 'Hmm.' _

_So, Santa, if you can give me just the last one, I will be eternally grateful. Though Shirayuki would probably kill you if you forget her stuff… Anyways, I hope you have a safe and pleasant journey delivering the presents!_

_Rukia Kuchiki _

Rukia signed her name with a flourish, looking unusually serious as she read the last item she had written down.

Sode no Shirayuki peered at her wielder questioningly. _'Rukia, are you alright? You look…agitated. Almost like Renji when he realized Zabimaru taped USED toilet paper to his back.'_

"I'm fine, I'm fine. Just thinking…" Rukia trailed off with a bright smile that did not completely reach her eyes. Her zanpakuto sighed.

'_Very well then. I'll be chatting with Hyourinmaru, Zabimaru, Zangetsu, and the others in the zanpakuto realms. Reiatsu-call me if you need me. Be safe.'_

The petite female nodded absently as the zanpakuto spirit gave her one last concerned look before diving deep into the main zanpakuto hall. She first spotted Ikkaku's battle-hungry zanpakuto, Hozukimaru.

Hozukimaru walked towards Sode no Shirayuki, stopping in front of her. _'Yo Shirayuki. What's up?'_

'_Nothing much…Oh! Does your wielder know about Santa?'_

'_Santa?'_

'_Yes, he's this old man that delivers presents every year on the 25__th__. You should tell him—Ikkaku, right? Tell Ikkaku, and demand a present or two. I'm getting a sheath and sash. Zabimaru got nothing, haha.' _Shrayuki laughed, her voice ringing out in the near empty hall.

'_I suppose I'll tell Ikkaku…he'll probably get pissed if he misses out. And he'll want to train even more to calm himself down, and I won't be able to sleep. What a bother.' _Hozukimaru sighed lazily.

'_Ah! You have to write the Santa a letter saying ten things you want! And then give the letter to Orihime Inoue. Apparently, she can mail it out to Santa.'_

Hozukimaru nodded before disappearing in a flash, returning to his zanpakuto form. Materializing, he looked around the room in Keigo's house Ikkaku was put in, noticing his wielder's sleeping form on the bed. Hozukimaru grinned.

'_BOO!' _He yelled, startling Ikkaku into falling on the hardwood floor.

Ikkaku growled at the snickering zanpakuto. "What the hell? Dude, I was SLEEPING! This better be good!"

'_Don't worry. It is.'_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **So, I know the list was messed up, because I wrote it right after I finished a grueling session of homework. And i was too lazy to change it...Sorry 'bout that.

_**PLEASE tell me in a review if you want a certain character to request a certain item. I need ideas! And please vote in my 'next story' poll. **_

REVIEW!

~**Haunted**_Moonlight_~


	5. Ikkaku Madarame

**A/N: **How are you guys? Here's the weekly update! And, if you're lucky, I might have Chapter 6: Yumichika up by tomorrow. I'm working on it. PM me if you go any questions/concerns/requests. I'll do my best to fulfill anything you ask of me. Except flames requesting me to quit writing or w/e.

By the way, just to let you know, I have** NOTHING** against **ANY** of the Bleach characters, even Yamamoto. Any ridicule of them is purely for the purposes of this story. I love them all!

_Enjoy!_

**Disclaimer**: I'm tired of having to do these... *sigh* Anyways, Bleach and Facebook. Two of the things that make up my life, next to boba and chocolate. And I don't own either. Why, God?

* * *

><p><em><span>Recap:<span>_

'_BOO!' He yelled, startling Ikkaku into falling on the hardwood floor._

_Ikkaku growled at the snickering zanpakuto. "What the hell? Dude, I was SLEEPING! This better be good!"_

'_Don't worry. It is.'_

**5. Madarame Ikkaku**

"So? What the hell did you want to tell me, you troublesome monster?" Ikkaku raged as he put on his haori. Those things were just so _uncomfortable _to sleep in.

Hozukimaru sighed. _'Fool. I've come to bring you some very…interesting information and you treat me like this? I'm oh so hurt!'_

Ikkaku was about to retort angrily when his simple mind suddenly thought of something. What if his zanpakuto actually had something good to tell him? He could always use a nice tidbit of blackmail to use on Ichigo…

"Fine. What is it, my awesomely amazing zanpakuto who isn't lazy at all?"

'_Better._' Hozukimaru smiled. _'Now then, there is this dude called Santa. He's supposedly this old man—probably has a beard too—who gives you…ten presents every Deceomber 25__th__. You can ask for ANYTHING, but you have to write him a letter telling him what ten things you want. And then give the letter to Orihime Inoue.'_

"What the fuck? So basically, you're telling me of a demented old man Yama who collaborates with Orihime?" Ikkaku's face turned red. "Do you honestly think I'm THAT stupid?"

'_Hmm…do YOU honestly want me to answer that question?'_

"Hmph. Whatever. No go away, I need to sleep." Ikkaku turned towards his warm, inviting bed.

'_So, you're gonna risk not writing the list?' _Ikkaku froze as he heard those words. _'What IF it's true? Then EVERYONE will have 10 presents on the 25__th__ and you'll be left out. Poor, poor Ikkaku…'_

"S-SHUT UP! You bastard! Fine, I'll write the stupid letter!" The bald shinigami leaped towards the small wooden study desk in the corner of the room and grabbed a pen and a sheet of lined paper.

'_Good, good. Ask something for me, will ya?' _Hozukimaru gave a small grin as he lazily retreated back into the zanpakuto realms. His master was just TOO easy to manipulate.

Meanwhile, Ikkaku glowered as he bent over his sheet of paper, pondering. He was never good at academics, and that included writing. How were letters supposed to start again? He frowned. Santa better get him what he wanted. Or else there'd be hell to pay. Smirking at thoughts of how to beat up Santa, he carefully started writing in a messy, disoriented script.

_Yo, what's up Santa dude!_

_So yeah! I'm the insanely strong, awesome Ikkaku Madarame. But since we're homies and all, you can call me Lord Ikkaku. Anyways, my humble servant, you have to get me ten things. 'Cause I'm your boss and all. So yeah, get me these things. And be quick about it, or else I'll deduct 300 kan from your pay._

_1. I'ma start off with that new item I saw the other day in the Urahara Shoten's window. It's this punching dummy, but it's specially enforced with kido. Apparently, every time you break it, it'll reconstruct automatically. Wicked!_

_2. Dude, ya know how I wanna beat Kenpachi-taichou someday, right? 'Cause he's awesomely strong and just all out the best taichou. But I wanna beat him fair and square, so I'd like an eye patch too. Ask Mayuri for one or something. I don't care._

_3. HAIR FORMULA. I NEED IT. I'll tell you a secret: For some reason, my hair doesn't grow! I know I tell everyone that I shave it to keep it bald, but I'm just naturally bald! Dammit!_

_4. You know Mizuho Asano? That crazy human woman who keeps mobbing me? She's pretty hot and all, but it's damn annoying to have her hug me 24/7. Tell her I'll go out with her if she stops fucking stalking me… And by the way, I do NOT need to find her in my shower again. Naked._

_5. Give Hozukimaru some coffee or something that got caffeine. Dude, my lazy zanpakuto does nothing but sleep. Every. Damn. Day. Hell, he'd probably watch me die just so he can get some rest._

_6. Also, get Yachiru to annoy someone else. Someone like…Byakuya. She has a crush on him, ya know? It'll be so fuckin' funny if the stoic stick-up-his-ass taichou and the pink demon child got together. I can already imagine their devil spawn… *shudders*_

_7. Oh hell, I forgot to tell ya. I need some more of Unohana-taichou's special blood-clotting ointment. Ya know, the one I got in the hilt of my zanpakuto. That's some good stuff, man. Especially when Yachiru decides to bite my head. Again._

_8. Hey, you know that TV show? The X Factor or whatever? I wanna get on that show to win lots of money, dude. It'll be easy as pie to win with my awesome Tsuki-Tsuki Dance (A/N: Lucky-Lucky Dance. Lol. Tsuki translates literally to 'luck.')._

_9. I guess it'll be pretty damn hard for ya to deliver me a mansion or a Porsche, so I'll settle for a Do-It-Yourself Kido Skills book. I know I tell everyone that I don't need kido, and I honestly don't, but it'll come in handy when I deal with the pink haired monster._

_10. Shit! Last item already? Dammit… Okay then. Just surprise me. Anything goes._

_Kay then, Santa, you better get me those. Or else your head is MINE._

_See ya dawg,_

_Ikkaku_

Ikkaku smiled to himself as he read the letter. Not bad. Not bad at all.

He forced the poor, abused sheet of paper into a half-shredded envelope he found in a rickety old drawer, sloppily wrote 'To Santa' on it, and started running to Orihime's apartment complex.

"Hey, hey, hey! Where are you going, Ikkaku? Such sweaty running is not _beautiful_!" A frowning Yumichika grabbed the heavily perspiring Ikkaku's shoulder.

Ikkaku scowled. Now he was going to have to deal with the beauty queen? Talk about luck. "Nothing, Yumichika. Let go."

Yumichika pursed his lip-glossed lips. "Nope. Not 'til you tell me where you're going. I haven't felt any hollows around here while I was patrolling…"

"Fine." Ikkaku sighed, rubbing his hairless head. "I'm going over to Orihime's. Happy?"

The peacock-browed shinigami looked surprised. "You shouldn't be having an affair with Inoue-chan, you know? Ichigo will kill you, and then some. He can be rather protective. But still, forbidden love is rather _beautiful…_" He sighed romantically, sparkles in his eyes.

"I AM NOT HER SECRET LOVER!" Ikkaku blushed crimson as he swung his fist at Yumichika. The wily man dodged playfully.

"Oh? Then why are you going over to her?" Raising his eyebrows suggestively, Yumichika internally grinned. His friend was so easy to manipulate. Somewhere in the zanpakuto realms, a dozing Hozukimaru sneezed.

"Dude! It's 'cause I wrote a letter to this weird bearded creeper old man demandin—asking for 10 things. I guess after you write the letter, you gotta give it to Orihime so she can mail it or whatever to the creeper dude. And then he gets the gifts for you on the 25th."

Yumichika's interest was piqued, and not in a good way.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **I know it was cut off rather suddenly. At first this chapter was wayyyyy longer, and included this long dialogue between Ikkaku and Yumichika, but I've moved that to the next chapter. It fits better there, I think.

Once again, I want to point out that I love Yumichika and Ikkaku. Even Yamamoto isn't bad, really. So when I make fun of them, it is only for the storyline. Please don't be offended!

Reviews are my lifeline! So please review! PLEASE DROWN ME IN AN OCEAN OF REVIEWS! LOL.

**Review or PM me requests! I'm happy to use ideas for lists! :)**

~**Haunted**_Moonlight_~


	6. Yumichika Ayasegawa

**A/N: **Finally, I got Chapter 6 out!

I'm sorry it took a million years, but it's really hard to write from dear ol' Yumichika's perspective. I did my best to make it all Shakesperean poetic-like, though I still think I epic failed...

Oh well! Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **Yeah, I don't own Bleach. Let's all thank Kubo Tite for this awesome manga! -Bows to a giant Kubo Tite statue-

* * *

><p><em><span>Recap:<span>_

"_Dude! It's 'cause I wrote a letter to this weird bearded creeper old man demandin—asking for 10 things. I guess after you write the letter, you gotta give it to Orihime so she can mail it or whatever to the creeper dude. And then he gets the gifts for you on the 25__th__."_

_Yumichika's interest was piqued, and not in a good way._

**6. Yumichika Ayasegawa**

"How silly! Someone managed to fool you into thinking Yamamoto gave out GIFTS? Are you sure you're not going prematurely senile? There's no way the old man would buy something for _anyone_. Hell, he'd leave his wife out to starve. Except for the fact that no woman will take him. He's just so…_unbeautiful_! And he IS a creeper. Did I tell you about the time I found him in th—"

"SHUT. UP. It's true, ya know? Hozukimaru told me. He probably heard it from Sode no Shirayuki or Hyourinmaru or Zabimaru." Ikkaku flushed again. He hated being trifled with.

"Oh! In that case, I believe them."

"What the hell? You believe me NOW?" The shinigami was seriously pissed off. Here he was, tired, hungry, and being pestered by a sissy. Why did God have to be so cruel?

Oh wait, it was 'cause he didn't believe in God.

Yumichika, on the other hand, just scoffed. "Believe _you_? Of course not! I believe Hozukimaru and the other zanpakutos. _They _wouldn't lie." He emphasized the 'they' severely, provoking the bad-tempered 3rd Seat even more.

"When did I ever lie to you?" The angry Ikkaku finally snapped as he roared out the last few words, only for there to be an awkward silence as the duo recalled all the lies the deceitfully headstrong Ikkaku had told over the years. "W-Well, I have better things to do than write a letter for no reason ya know? So it's true this time. Honest."

"I believe you. You wouldn't actually be able to form a coherent sentence on paper without an incentive." Yumichika sighed in playful disappointment. Teasing Ikkaku was a hell of a lot more fun than patrolling.

Ikkaku looked startled. "Well! Thanks, budd—Wait a minute! Was that a good thing or a bad thing? What's an incentive?"

Yumichika chuckled. "Never mind. Now take over patrol; I'm tired. You can stop by Orihime's house on the way. See ya."

Ikkaku grunted a noncommittal response and quickly leaped off as the peacock-browed fifth seat leisurely strolled towards the Asano house.

'What should I ask for?' Yumichika wondered as he quietly slipped into the quiet house and walked to his room. On his way he passed a bathroom stocked with make-up, body lotion, perfumes, and everything else one needed for a day-to-day beauty regime. A light bulb went off in his brain.

_Beauty Supplies_!

He grabbed his make-up catalogs (which he collected, much to Ikkaku's chagrin) and leafed through them. So many to choose from, so little time. Eyes glinting in anticipation, Yumchika shunpo'd over to the quaint wooden desk next to his bed, took a pen and paper from the neatly organized, pink and purple sparkly suitcase that laid on it, and hurried back to his seat on the bed, surrounded by L'Oreal and COVERGIRL magazines. He positioned the sheet of rose-bordered stationary on a huge catalog and started writing in an elegantly girly script.

_My dearest Santa,_

Yumichika frowned. No, that wasn't elegant enough. He tossed the ruined stationary into a trash bin and grabbed another sheet.

_Hello, my elegantly dear Santa,_

No, that was too..._blasé_. Wrinkling his nose in disgust, the shinigami crumpled the paper up and grabbed yet another sheet.

_Oh, my dearly beautiful Santa! How the midnight lights shine beyond your sparkling eyes! _

"Hmmm, not bad! But it can be improved." Yumichika grinned as he threw the sheet away (how much paper does this guy waste?) and took another sheet of stationary. His supply of the special 'Yumichika paper' was getting low.

_Oh! My dearly beau~tiful Santa! How the lights shine yonder in your sparkling azure eyes! One night is all I ask of you, and the blessed presents that come with it!_

_Ah, my love! Do not trouble yourself with trying to discover what I need, for it is only you! ButI must look beautiful in your charming presence, mademoiselle. _(A/N: Apparently, Yumichika forgot Santa is a guy. So let's just call him—I mean her, Santette.) _And so, will thou grant me a few mortal wishes before I am swept away by your passion? _

_I thank your mercy, my beautiful angel! Fly free and bring me back the gifts I plead of you! I shall provide a list here, my darling, my love!_

_1. My precious, my love is like a fleeting breeze that lingers behind. And so I must ask of you to take into consideration my lowly desires! And so with this, I ask of you my one humane weakness, that of beauty. And while no beauty compareth to thou's, I still would ask for a __NYX Professional __Make__-__Up__ Artist __Kit__,__ for without it, no mortal man can live a fortnight. _

_2. Also, if your kindness towards the pitiful creature I am consists, I would very much like a renewed subscription to Vogue. As I am currently without it, I am unable to catch up on the latest New York and Paris fashion lines. And so the humans on the street looked at me with scorn, both envious of my beauty and surprised at my last-season wardrobe. And no, it was not because I have a 'peacock brow' or because I was wearing a mix of violet, brown, emerald green, teal, azure, red, lime, lemon, gold, silver, grey, auburn, crimson, orange, pink, rose, and purple. Those words were only the pitifully jealous mutterings of Ikkaku, whose bald head shames unbearably as I walk down the street with him._

_3. Ah! I see Urahara, my lowly servant, has invented a glorious object, the Hair-Clipper 50x. With it, I can clip my eyebrow hair oh so efficiently, and maintain my perfect looks and smile. Of course, he made it specially for me, not Yoruichi-san. But, being the heartless bastard that he is, Urahara will not sell me a pair. And so, my dearest, please convince him that giving the miracle gift to me is the right thing to do._

_4. The best American chick flick so far, Bridesmaids, is not translated In Japanese! How could such a horrendous crime occur in my own homeland? My lover, I must beg of you to translate it, for I have no such skills in the translating department. But you, who are so skilled in every subject, must be able to subtitle it in Japanese! _

_5. As I am deserving of only the best and most beautiful, I wish for a gift card to the Jiraiya Hot Springs _(A/N: Yes, this is a reference to Naruto. Since Jiraiya loves to peek in on the girls' hot springs)_, the best, and most expensive, hot springs in Soul Society. Such a beautifully serene place fits us, my love._

_6. I must shed golden tears now as I am halfway done. Such a sad thing, no? But my wishes still run deep, and my desires deeper. My desire for a 6-pack of Elite No-Muss Hair Dye is deepest still. Maintaining my eyebrows is so troublesome, my dearest._

_7. My sweet, you have heard of my beauty shop, no? Well, we are in dire straits, as we are running out of X-Tra Stay Nail Varnish. Without such professional workings, I cannot maintain my store._

_8. Hmmm, my dear, I am running out of things to ask for, so now I shall take into consideration things that will benefit me. One such thing is, perhaps, a new wisteria sheath for my zanpakuto, just to annoy him. That'll teach him to say my make-up is UGLY!_

_9. Some Wrinkles-B-Gone Extensive Moisturizing Cream shall be received gratefully. I need a bunch. After all, battling causes such stress and annoyance, don't you think? After all, I must look my best for you, my delicate angel._

_10. Ah, last one! Now this is most difficult. Perhaps I'll ask for a bag of Lindt Lindor truffles? They are most delicious. We can eat them together, my great love._

_And so our time together is up, and I must cry. For our love was a doomed one from the start, but oh so sweet!_

_Do not cry, my princess. One day we shall once again meet!_

_Until then, I'll give you my heart to keep!_

_Lovingly,_

_Yumichika Ayasegawa_

Yumichika looked critically at his neat manuscript. It wasn't as poetically beautiful as he would've liked. 'Oh well!' He sighed to himself as he got up, carefully folding the stationary into thirds and placing it into a perfumed envelope before placing a wax seal on the slit. Now all he had to do was mail it.

He had just finished placing the envelope in Orihime's mailbox when his Soul Pager rang with a violent beep. The shinigami jumped, his eyebrow comically rising.

"Hello, this is Yumichika the _beautiful_ speaking!" He sang, ignoring the hostile glares of the people walking near him.

"_Damn, do you haveta be such a prissy little fag all the time, ya fool?" _Kenpachi's loud voice thundered through the phone.

"Ah, hello captain! What a wonderful surprise!" Yumichika grinned, ignoring the irritated tone of his taichou.

"_Whatever. What'cha doing? Any hollow attacks?" _The large, invulnerable man's voice was brimming with excitement at the thought of killing rogue hollows.

"Of course not! I'm just getting back from mailing a letter to Santa!"

"_The fuck is a Santa?"_

"Why, he's this jolly old guy who gives presents to everyone on the beautiful day of Christmas, of course! Everyone knows _that_!" The peacock-browed man ignored the fact that he himself had not known who Santa was an hour ago.

"_Why the hell would Yamamoto prance around like a gay sparkly vampire while handing out presents? Ya sure your brain didn't get fried by some cero? Ya want Unohana to check up on ya?" _Kenpachi's voice was dripping with annoyance.

"No, silly! I'll explain who Santa is…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Hehe, Yachiru's after Kenpachi! I can't wait! Lol!

How was it? Yes, the poetry was cheesy. And a bit gay. But whatever, I did my best!

Please review! I need ideas for the lists for everyone!

Thank you!

~**Haunted**_Moonlight_~


	7. Zaraki Kenpachi

**A/N: **Okay, should I bump up the rating? There is some cussing and I don't want the lil' kids to be scarred haha. Leave me a review, a'ight?

Anyways, please enjoy and review!

**Disclaimer: **Bleach is Kubo Tite's. Believe me, I wish it was mine. *Tear*

* * *

><p><em><span>Recap:<span>_

"_Why the hell would Yamamoto prance around like a gay sparkly vampire while handing out presents? Ya sure your brain didn't get fried by some cero? Ya want Unohana to check up on ya?" Kenpachi's voice was dripping with annoyance._

"_No, silly! I'll explain who Santa is…"_

**7. Kenpachi Zaraki**

"_A'ight. Ya got forty seconds before I go down to where ya are and smack yo' prissy bitch ass to Seireitei. Clear?"_

"But captain…" Yumchika protested. He knew Kenpachi was deadly serious.

"_Thirty-nine. Thirty-eight…Hey, Yachiru, what comes after thirty-eight?" _Yumichika heard Yachiru chirpily say something in the background. "_Uh, Thirty-six? Eh, close 'nuff. Now speak, you damn pansy."_

"Okay!" Yumichika took a deep breath before speaking in a voice so quick, the words jumbled together. "Santa-is-a-human-magical-man-who-gives-presents-out-to-everyone-but-you-have-to-write-a-list-of-ten-things-and-give-it-to-Orihime."

Meanwhile, Kenpachi only heard the words 'presents,' 'ten things,' and 'Orihime.' He grunted. Whatever. _"Yeah, yeah. I got it. Now shut up and go read Twibite or what's-it-called."_

"Ohhhhh, you mean Twilight?" Yumichika grinned happily at the mention of the teen supernatural romance. "Edward and Bella are so meant to be, but fyi—the guy who plays Jacob is hot. I would totes go gay for him, captain."

Kenpachi shuddered. How did this pansy ass fairy get into his division? "_Go to hell, Ayasegawa," _he said as he slammed his Soul Pager on his desk, successfully breaking both the pager and the hardwood desk.

'Shit,' he thought. 'That was the tenth one this month.' Whatever. Not his problem. He would take the replacement costs out of Pansy-Ass Ayasegawa's salary.

Kenpachi turned his swivel chair towards an inconspicuously locked file cabinet. After glancing around to ensure there was no one in sight, not even Yachiru, he took a single silver key from a hidden drawer on the wall and unlocked it.

Inside the cabinet was—lo and behold—his secret Twilight stash.

Kenpachi loved Twilight above all else. But, after seeing Yumichika get ridiculed by a Ikkaku and Hisagi for liking the series, he decided to keep it to himself. Not even Yachiru knew. She would tell her precious Bya-kun and he'd be blackmailed forever by the devious sixth-division captain.

He gingerly lifted ten t-shirts with Bella and Edward's likeliness stamped on them, two New Moon posters, and copies of signed Eclipse and Breaking Dawn books to get to the Twilight stationary underneath.

The stationary had pictures scattered around its margins—there was Jacob in wolf form, an apple similar to that of Twilight's cover, and a picture of Alice running, the trees a blur as she flitted around them. There were also envelopes, pale yellow with a Twilight insignia stamped on the front.

Kenpachi gingerly grabbed a sheet of stationary and an envelope, as well as a Twilight pen, before locking up the rest of his TwiHard memorabilia and settling down to write.

_To Santa._

Kenpachi wasn't especially poetic, and his writing wasn't gay-fag-style (or, as he liked to call it, Yumichika style), but he thought he was neat enough. And, as opposed to common belief, he didn't write everything like a ghetto punk. He prided himself on his correct grammar, as a matter of fact.

_Okay, so here's the deal. You get me what I deserve for killing all those damned hollows, and I keep protecting the human world. We clear? Good. So here's my list._

_1, I want the new Bella, Edward, and Jacob dolls. Whenever I'm in the human world, I always get followed around by the gay fag—I mean Ayasegawa. Or Ikkaku. It's fucking annoying, man._

_2, A new set of ShinigamiSwords from that guy Urahara's place. They're the best to stab new foolish recruits with. And the blood doesn't stain, even better._

_3, Eclipse on DVD. Same as number 1, I haven't had a chance to buy that shit yet. _

_4, While we're at it, get me Breaking Dawn part 1 on DVD too. Hasn't come out yet? Tough luck, better go get it._

_5, Since most of this is found in the human world, you better get me a few pounds of that human candy Yachiru likes so much. That Hershey crap. It makes her hyper as fuck, and it's damn amusing to see her stumble around and beat up the recruits. Heck, maybe she'll even get to beating up that stupid Byakuya._

_6, A new Soul Pager, yeah? Old man Yamamoto is gonna kill me for breaking another one. Which means I can't let him know I broke another one._

_7, I was reading that ninja manga the other day. What's it called, Naruto? Those kunais look pretty damn deadly to me. Deadly is good. I want them. I don't care if you have to kill that Naruto fool or that dark haired brooding Uchiha to get some. _

_8, If you could get me an Ichigo punching bag, I'd sure be happy. Heh._

_9, Some more SuperStiffShinigamiSoap. That stuff's first-rate. It's the only crap that lets my hair stay up, which is definitely good._

_10, Ah, shit. What . If you could get Ayasegawa out of my hair for a few days, that'd be mighty good. Send him to some stupid girly spa or whatever. I don't give a flying fuck._

_Okay, that's my list. You better get me every single thing. Especially 1, 3, and 4._

_See ya around,_

_Kenpachi_

Kenpachi grinned, satisfied, as he sealed the envelope with a sticker of the Cullen family.

He had just enough time to attach the envelope to a Hell Butterfly and send it off to Ichigo, along with instructions to give it to Orihime, before Yachiru burst into his office, a reluctant Byakuya in tow.

"Hiya, Ken!"

"Yachiru." Kenpachi greeted his bubbly vice-captain, ignoring the brooding captain behind her.

He hated that Yachiru and Byakuya were engaged. Sure Yachiru was now taller, more mature, and capable of making her own decisions. But why Kuchiki? He was such a laced-up tightwad. The sight of him made Kenpachi grit his teeth.

"Ken, what'cha doing?" Yachiru grinned, a lollipop sticking out of her mouth. There were about a dozen more in Byakuya's bulging pockets. Yachiru was a very high-maintenance woman.

Kenpachi grunted. "Wrote a letter to this Santa fella."

"Who's Santa? Is he the candy man?"

Byakuya sweat-dropped at the mention of candy. He loved Yachiru, but her adventurous rampages to discover a mythical candy man were ridiculous. Of course, just because he thought it was stupid didn't mean he didn't help his lovely fiancée on her journeys.

"You write a list of ten things you really want and mail it to Orihime. Then you'll get those presents delivered to you on the 25th." Kenpachi patiently explained.

Yachiru grinned, her eyes spinning. "Oh boy! Anything I want?" She grabbed Byakuya's hand. "Let's go! I have to write to Santa!"

Byakuya mentally facepalmed but obeyed Yachiru, and they shunpo'd off to the Kuchiki manor, leaving Kenpachi in well-deserved peace.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **It wasn't TOO bad, right? I'm a bit rusty, this is my first update since October... I hope Kenpachi didn't sound too girly or too stereotypical. haha. Review, please!

I need ideas for Yachiru and Byakuya! And reviews ensure that they will be another chapter. :D

Thanks for reading!

~**Haunted**_Moonlight_~


	8. Yachiru Kusajishi

**A/N: **Here it is, Yachiru's chapter. Believe me; it's gonna be one candy-ful chapter. I apologize if it sounds OOC, it's hard to express Yachiru's energy in a letter to Santa. I did my best… (though I think I abused the use of exclamation marks and caps, haha).

_Warning!: Mentions of hentai and tentacle porn. Yeah, don't say I didn't warn you guys… But it's pretty softcore, so I'm gonna keep the rating at a K+…for NOW._

Before I manage to spoil the whole thing, I present to you Dear Santa: Yachiru Kusajishi!

**Disclaimer: **Bleach is NOT mine. Though I wouldn't mind Santa sending me the complete manga series, winkwink. Hohoho. Any of the brands mentioned (such as Hershey's, Jolly Ranchers, etc) are not mine either. However, I'd sure appreciate some chocolate right about now…

* * *

><p><em><span>Recap:<span>_

"_You write a list of ten things you really want and mail it to Orihime. Then you'll get those presents delivered to you on the 25__th__." Kenpachi patiently explained._

_Yachiru grinned, her eyes spinning. "Oh boy! Anything I want?" She grabbed Byakuya's hand. "Let's go! I have to write to Santa!"_

_Byakuya mentally facepalmed but obeyed Yachiru, and they shunpo'd off to the Kuchiki manor, leaving Kenpachi in well-deserved peace._

**8. Yachiru Kusajishi**

"Byaaaakuuuuushiiiiiii," Yachiru sang, a sheet of expensive Kuchiki stationary and a Seaweed Ambassador pencil in hand.

Byakuya glanced absentmindedly at the girl he loved. _"_Yes, Yachiru?"

The vivacious pinkette settled on the floor next to Byakuya, who was currently bent over, concentrating on his precious calligraphy. "Aren't you gonna write your list to Santa?"

"I believe I do not believe in such things, Yachiru." The truth was, Byakuya was _extremely_ curious about this Santa fellow, but his Kuchiki pride refused to let him admit so.

Yachiru shrugged ruefully. "Too bad, Byakushi. I'm gonna write my list! See ya!" She exclaimed as she made her way through the Kuchiki manor's maze-like interior towards the koi pond. Yachiru loved the koi pond; it was one of the few places in the large manor she actually liked. Those large, colorful koi were so bright…and entertaining…and _tasty_…

"Let's see," Yachiru mused to herself, biting on the tip of the wooden Seaweed Ambassador pencil. "How shall I write this…Oh! Byakushi always said to start letters with a greeting." She recalled, grinning as she fondly recollected the times an (uncharacteristically) exasperated Byakuya tried to teach her 'noble' acts. Thankfully, the Kuchiki had given up after a few failed lessons in which Yachiru drew Kenpachi on uber-expensive calligraphy parchment, managed to eat the candy-colored daisies used for flower arranging, and spilled tea on Byakuya's precious scarf in a tea ceremony.

Carefully, Yachiru started writing.

_Dear Santa-man,_

_Are you sure you're not the candy man? When I was in Karakura during winter, I saw this 'Candy Canes' sign in a bakery, and there was a jolly old fat man holding candy. YOU MUST BE IN DISGUISE! Since I figured out your deepest darkest secret, I think you should give me presents. Don't you think so? Well, I'm feeling nice, so I'll trim my list from 462 items to 10._

_First of all, I want a batch of Unohana's candy daisies. Well, Byakushi keeps insisting they're REAL flowers, which is real silly, since they're colored like daisies. And they taste like honey! Silly Byakushi. I think the fumes from the calligraphy ink's turning him cuckoo. Don't tell him I said that!_**(A/N: No, Yachiru, I'm pretty sure they're actual daisies…)**

_Secondly, you should give me candy canes. That store sign made me curious, and I wonder what they taste like. Hey Santa/Candy Man, do candy canes taste like candy daisies?_

_Ohhhhh, and for my third thing, I want koi food. NOT SO I CAN EAT IT! But it's cuz I like feeding the koi but Byakushi is being mean and saying I can't feed them anymore because I 'overfeed them.' I do NOT, by the way. Byakushi can be SUCH a drama queen. Just because two of the koi died from obesity doesn't mean I overfed them! He still has 13 perfectly healthy koi, thanks to me. Hmph, he's lucky I didn't carry all his koi over to Juushiro-chan's pond!_

_Okay, back to the candy! I want a pack of Hershey's Kisses, 'cause I read this Naruto FanFic about them _**(A/N: Reference to my SasuSaku one-shot ****Kissing Booth**. **Read it if you haven't already!) **_and they sound tasty and chocolaty. Also, I can tease Byakushi! I love it when he's mad!_

_Number five is baking supplies! Byakushi's birthday is January 31, and that's only a month away! For his present, I wanna bake him a FEMALE Seaweed Ambassador. He'll be overcome with joy! Yay!_

_Sixthly, what's hentai? Because I saw Pineapple-head hide a box in his office earlier, and when I peeked in, there were videos that were labeled Hentai Porn. I watched one on the TV in Byakushi's room and it had this naked girlie with an octopus tentacle being put in her dirty places. And here's the best part, Santa-chan: Byakushi came in and turned all red and cute and was like 'Where did you get that' and I told him I got it from Pineapple-head and the next day, Pineapple-head was in the hospital! That was fun! So gimme another hentai video so this time I can blame Baldy!_

_Okay, number seven! I'm running out of ideas, so I'm just gonna demand some lollipops. You can't go wrong with lollipops!_

_Same goes for Jolly Ranchers. They're the good stuff!_

_My last candy demand is gummy bears! I like chomping and chomping and chomping on the heads and lining the bodies up. Or maybe biting a hole in their chests, so they look like hollows. Then I attack them with my reiatsu and the gummy bears melt away! _

_Number ten! Numero…um…diez! I dunno if you can get this, but I'd sure like a full-sized Byakushi doll. I'm sure you can get one! His annoying fangirls make just about everything. While we're at it, I was gonna ask for you to eradicate every single one of his fangirls, but oh well. I'm already have ten items._

_Thanks Santa/Candy man!_

_Remember: I get these stuff, you don't get your secret identity exposed!_

_See ya!_

_Yachiru!_

Yachiru hummed a happy song as she sealed up her letter and sent it to Inoue-chan via Hell Butterfly. She didn't quite remember the name of the song, but did recall it went something along the lines of:

_All I want for Christmas,_

_Is youuuuuuuuuuuu._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Byakuya's next!

And I might write up a quick Omake chapter, in which Orihime explains her plan to Ichigo, Chad, and Uryuu, and coerces them to help her act as 'Santa.'

**If you would like to see a short, sweet omake chapter after Byakuya's list, please let me know in a review!**

****Thanks for reading~!

~**Haunted**_Moonlight_~


	9. Byakuya Kuchiki

**A/N: **So by show of hands, who's excited to see Byakuya's true thoughts? *raises hand*

I decided to make him a bit tsundere (admit it—the hot guy is always twice as hot when he turns out to be a secret softie), so forgive me for any OOC-ness.

**Disclaimer: **Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite! Any other brands mentioned are also property of their respective owners, of course.

* * *

><p><em><span>Recap:<span>_

_Yachiru hummed a happy song as she sealed up her letter and sent it to Inoue-chan via Hell Butterfly. She didn't quite remember the name of the song, but did remember it went something along the lines of:_

_All I want for Christmas,_

_Is youuuuuuuuuuuu._

**9. Kuchiki Byakuya**

Unbeknownst to his pink-haired fiancée, as soon as she left to terrorize his koi, Kuchiki Byakuya began writing his own letter to Santa Claus.

Byakuya was taught from a young age that he was a noble, and therefore he showed no feelings, no matter how devastated he was. Though Yachiru had rapidly broken down quite a few of those emotional boundaries, it still strained his pride to admit things.

One of those things was that he was a total sucker for myths and fairy tales.

His most vivid memory as a boy was eagerly reading dozens of Grimm's Fairy Tales, brought from the human world by his now-deceased father. As soon as his father joined his mother in some Shinigami Heaven, however, his strict, no-nonsense grandfather had confiscated those precious stories, determined to force Byakuya to be a proper noble.

Proper nobles didn't read fairy tales.

And they most certainly didn't believe in them.

_Well, as long as no one finds out, I'll be fine, _Byakuya convinced himself as he pulled out a sheet of calligraphy paper, an inkwell, and his favorite Seaweed Ambassador feather pen. _As long as the letter reflects the traits of a proper noble taichou, I won't technically be disobeying Grandfather._

Clearing his throat, the dignified aristocrat carefully dipped his pen into the glass inkwell and elegantly began inscribing his letter.

_To Whom It May Concern:_

_I am writing to you in regards to the information I've received. My informant stated that you are obliged to send me ten (10) gifts in honor of a human holiday known as Christmas. In the possibility this is indeed so, I am composing a list of ten items. I hope to see them bright and early on the Twenty-Fifth of December._

_Number One. I am in need of a new inkwell, since Yachiru broke all 45 spares I had. I sincerely love her, but she can be quite a handful._

_Number Two. Coincidentally, all 45 spares of my keisenkans _**(A/N: Byakuya's strange white hair clips) **_were also destroyed when an enthusiastic Yachiru sat on them. Perhaps you could send me a few of those as well, seeing that my everyday schedule is too eventful for me to go purchase more._

_Number Three. Also thanks to Yachiru's blatant clumsiness, she has managed to destroy 45 extra tea ceremony sets of the highest quality. If you are to purchase a new set for me, I request that it be from the Urahara Shoten. Their tea ceremony sets are second to none._

_Number Four. I will confide in you a secret I have not disclosed to any other living being, with the exception of Yachiru. And that is my clandestine love of Naruto manga. So I wish to have the latest Naruto manga volume delivered to my manor—secretively, of course._

_Number Five. While we are on the topic of literature, I request a full composition of the classic Grimm's Fairy Tales. I assure you, these are for strictly researching purposes. I do not have a secret desire to study silly fairy tales, of course. _

_Number Six. Also for research purposes, I ask for a copy of every Disney and Pixar DVD. For research._

_Number Seven. My haori supply has gotten dangerously low; I only have 44, including the one currently on my back. In order to replenish my haori coffers, I request one more haori. 45 is such a nice number._

_Number Eight. If you'll send me tickets to the Candy Land musical on Broadway, I would be much indebted. Yachiru has been informing me about this show constantly and I think such a thing would please her._

_Number Nine. Yachiru seems to have run off with one of my beloved Seaweed Ambassador pencils, so I request for it to be given back by any means necessary. Any means necessary. Of course, there is always the risk of my lovely bride-to-be ripping off your head like a piñata. If that is the case, I will be sure to compensate you. _**(A/N: Compensate who? A ripped off head? Awks…)**

_Number Ten. I understand I generally come across as a strick, stuck-up man. Yachiru was the first to see through that carefully built up façade. I know this is a cliché, cheesy request, but please grant Kusajishi Yachiru happiness throughout her entire life._

_Thank You._

_Kuchiki Byakuya_

_Taichou of the Sixth Division_

Byakuya felt a bit embarrassed as he sealed the letter into an ivory envelope with the distinguished wax seal of the Kuchiki clan.

The things he did for love. Or, more specifically, Yachiru. Not even Hisana has gotten to him as much as the eleventh division's cheerful, deadly fukutaichou.

He summoned one of the Kuchiki clan's personal express Hell Butterflies and sent it to Inoue with explicit instructions about delivery. He couldn't have anybody reading the letter now, could he? His pride would never live that down_. Never._

A tad bit more assured of the safety of his pride now that the Hell Butterfly was on its way, Byakuya stepped outside and walked down the mostly abandoned street to his division's offices. There was an unwelcome mound of paperwork to sign and file, and his fukutaichou was too busy lounging around with Rukia to do much.

Stupid lovesick Abarai.

At that moment, a rushed Nanao brushed past him.

"Oh, I apologize, Kuchiki-taichou."

"That's alright, Ise-fukutaichou. Is there anything wrong?" Byakuya peered into the street Nanao had emerged from, double-checking for potential threats. It appeared to be clear.

Nanao shook her head. "Nope. Well, there _is _a minor problem I have, though you're probably not interested."

Byakuya was in a good temper. "I'm willing to listen, if you'd like to share."

The strict fukutaichou was momentarily taken aback. _Looks like Yachiru worked miracles on him_, she marveled. She'd never seen him so…pleasant to talk to. "Well, alright. My dilemma is, I'm in desperate need of a few items for the next Shinigami Women's Association meeting. I already assured the other members I would be able to get these said items, but it's an impossible mission. I'm about to crash into the biggest pitfall of my life. My _responsibility_ is on the line here!" Responsibility meant the world to Nanao.

"That is quite a problem you have there, Ise-fukutaichou," Byakuya murmured sympathetically. He'd experienced similar crises. "However, Yachiru and Zaraki-taichou introduced to me a solution that will take effect by the 27th. I'll be glad to pass this tidbit of information onto you."

Nanao immediately brightened up. "Seriously?"

The sixth division taichou hesitated. "It may sound a bit…insane. But I assure you of the validity of this."

"I'm all ears."

* * *

><p><strong>MY VERY LONG AN: **_**PLEASE READ!**_

Okay, first things first. I have NO idea how a 'noble' writes letters… It took me nearly an hour to piece the formalness of the letter together. So please don't criticize the letter. You can criticize anything else, just NOT the damned letter. Believe me, I _tried_.

I hope Byakushi's Number 10 sounded sweet. Yes, it was completely OOC. But hey, love melts even the iciest of hearts. And I'm a prime example of a hopeless romantic fo'sho'.

_~And I think I'm gonna write an omake chapter sometime. :D_

Maybe right after this chapter, maybe after the next, who knows. I'm a helluva scatterbrained person, so I'll probably forget until September if I don't write it soon, haha.

**Anyways, PLEASE leave me ideas for others' lists in a review. I have no idea what half of these Shinigami would want, ESPECIALLY THE GREAT, RESPONSIBLE NANAO, so I'm desperate for your suggestions.**

**Also, I think I'll just stick to main Gotei 13 members for now, though I may include Aizen and the rest of the Hueco Mundo gang, as well as Vizards, **_**if I get positive feedback**_**. AND IF I GET REVIEWS (: haha. **

**Reviews are the lifeblood of a FanFic author, remember that. And you wanna keep me alive to see what happens next, right?**

_**SO CLICK THE REVIEW BUTTON AND GET WRITING! :D**_

_**~If you're interested in reading another Bleach crack fic, check out my story BleachBook!~**_

Thanks for reading! Over and out!

~**Haunted**_Moonlight_~


	10. Omake: Orihime's Plan

**A/N: **Here's my short omake chapter, which explains Inoue's part in the whole fiasco, as well as Ichigo's, Chad's, Ishida's, etc. Enjoy!

Four chapters in as many days… damn I must be on some high right now.

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing but the storyline.

* * *

><p>Orihime Inoue was in high spirits.<p>

Well, the charismatic girl was _always _in high spirits (her bubbly optimism rivaled that of Yachiru and Matsumoto), but she felt especially good. She had introduced her Shinigami friends to Santa.

Orihime hummed Christmas carols as she opened her mailbox, expecting one or two letters. Maybe three.

The tiny box immediately spewed out nine fat, bulging envelopes. _Oh my._

Gingerly, she removed the top one. _Kuchiki Byakuya. _Just looking at his first three items, she already knew it would be impossible to collect all of the items for him, much less for all nine Shinigami! And more were probably to come.

Unless…

-oOoOo-

"Inoue, why did you drag us to your house again?" A bored Ichigo Kurosaki regarded the girl, who was currently unraveling what appeared to be a map. Quite a few maps, actually.

"Well, Kurosaki-kun," Orihime smiled, addressing all five of her guests, "I've decided to play Santa."

"Is that why you currently have an elf costume on…?" Ichigo asked her. To be honest, dressing up as an elf was Orihime's guilty pleasure, but Ichigo had no business knowing that. Even if she loved him, there were a few things you just couldn't disclose to your longtime crush.

Isihda, who'd been silently studying the maps, piped up. "You seem to have everything under control, Orihime. Why gather us?"

Urahara and Chad nodded in silent agreement. Yoruichi just looked bemused, her opal cat-like eyes scanning the largest map.

"Hey, Orihime-chan." The busty cat woman spoke for the first time.

"Yeah?"

"Isn't that a map of the Kuchiki manor? And if I recall correctly, the rest are maps of all the other Division bunkers."

Orihime brightened. Finally, someone understood. "Bingo, Yoruichi-chan!"

"So…we sneak into their _bunkers_? And their _homes_?" Ichigo stared at Orihime. "No way! They're not idiots, you know. I bet Byakuya _sleeps_ with Senbonzakura."

"No, he sleeps with Yachiru." Yoruichi smirked.

The other occupants of the room—with the exception of the ever-calm Urahara—gagged. That was one mental image they could do without.

Orihime cleared her throat. "Umm…we can get to that part later. The important thing is that we get all the items on the lists."

Urahara tentatively picked up Byakuya's list and peered at it, scoffing. "Impossible! The items on this list alone will cost you thousands."

"I don't suppose you'll be swept away by Christmas spirit and donate these items from the Urahara Shoten?" Orihime asked, her puppy-abandoned-in-the-rain face on. No one could say she was a bad actor.

Urahara sweat-dropped. On one hand, giving away these items would cause a rather unsightly deficit in his profits. On the other, Orihime was starting to tear up. And no man, however brave and strong and prideful, could resist a beautiful woman's puppy tears. (Yeah right…more like crocodile tears.) "Well, I may be able to work out a deal, in exchange for a month of hard labor from Ichigo, Chad, and Ishida here."

The ginger-haired girl immediately ceased crying. "Really? Great, Urahara!"

"Hey, wait just a second. I don't remember giving you the permission to assign me slave work!" Ishida shouted, and Ichigo nodded in agreement. Chad just continued eating a candy bar he'd found in his pocket.

Now it was their turn to be confronted with the puppy-abandoned-in-the-rain face. "Please, Kurosaki-kun and Uryuu-kun? Pretty please?"

"Urgh. Fine, fine." The boys relented.

Ishida sweat-dropped and made a silent note to himself. _Women were ruthless. _

Orihime beamed. "Great! Now let's go Santa-ing!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Haha it was pretty brief, but a lot of you were wondering how they were going to pull the whole thing off. As you may recall, a lot of the things the Shinigami asked for were from the Urahara Shoten, and the rest were pretty easy to get a hold of (such as DVDs, manga, candy, etc).

I still have no idea how they'll manage to sneak into the barracks and Byakuya's home and so on, so if you have an idea, PLEASE leave a review, alright? :D

Well, hope you enjoyed, and, as always, I look forward to reading your reviews. I promise I read every single review!

Thanks for reading!

~**Haunted**_Moonlight_~


	11. Nanao Ise

**A/N: **Nanao's been bitten by the Santa-bug!

I'm sorry if this chapter is somewhat short; I'm currently working on my other unfinished works and that's leaving me a bit swamped and brain-dead, to be honest. I've had to delete two of my on-going stories to make some room in my schedule, and I still have five more.

Thanks to **ChieLuvsBleach **for ideas!

**Disclaimer: **Last time I Wikipedia'd it, it said Bleach belonged to Kubo Tite, not me… Any other brands mentioned in this chapter are also property of their respective owners, of course.

* * *

><p><em><span>Recap:<span>_

"_That is quite a problem you have there, Ise-fukutaichou," Byakuya murmured sympathetically. He'd experienced similar crises. "However, Yachiru and Zaraki-taichou introduced to me a solution, which I'll be glad to pass onto you."_

_Nanao brightened up. "Seriously?"_

_The sixth division taichou hesitated. "It may sound a bit…insane. But I assure you of the validity of this."_

"_I'm all ears."_

**10. Ise Nanao**

Nanao sat in her office, so deep in contemplation that she didn't notice the piles of paperwork stacked on her mahogany desk.

Had Byakuya been telling the truth? Was there really a human man who walked around giving presents?

True, the steely sixth division captain had no reason to lie to her. Unless he'd found out that her main need was a picture of him in a compromising position for the annual SWA calendar of hot guys.

_It can't hurt_, Nanao decided, pulling out some paper, an envelope, and a pen.

_Dear Santa,_

_My name is Ise Nanao, and I am the fukutaichou of the eighth division of the Gotei 13. I have gotten myself into quite a fix; that is, I am in need of something I do not possess. I would deeply appreciate it if you helped me, though I realize this may be an unreasonable request._

_I have heard from Kuchiki-taichou that you allot each person ten items. Don't worry; I will adhere to your rules._

_First of all, I need a new box of inkwells. Last week, an inebriated Kyouraku shattered all of my glass inkwells by knocking them onto the floor._

_Secondly, I would appreciate an herbal tea set, for when I am forced to work overtime._

_Thirdly, a new file cabinet for my large mounds of paperwork would work too._

_Fourthly, a new pair of glasses would be nice. Maybe from that Silver Dragonfly Eyewear shop, it seems to have reasonable prices._

_Fifthly, replace all, and I mean ALL, of Kyoraku's sake with water. This is will difficult, as he protects his sake with him life. But if you manage to do so, maybe he'll finally sober up._

_Sixthly, a bag of Konpeito candy to keep Kusajishi-fukutaichou distracted. I wonder how Kuchiki-taichou manages to keep her in line…_

_Seventhly, well…Matsumoto mentioned something in the human world called breast implants…who am I kidding, I don't want silicone boobs. Instead, I'd rather have a push up bra, thank you very much._

_Eighthly, I need a photograph of Kuchiki-taichou, preferably half-naked. No, not for the reasons you probably suspect. But I do need it for the SWA calendar. It would probably be hard to get such a photo—unless you are really Yamamoto in disguise as a chubby, happy-go-lucky man. In which case, I am extremely creeped out._

_Ninthly, confiscate all of Kyouraku's haiku equipment, especially that haiku kit he obtained from Izuru-fukutaichou. His haikus are ridiculous._

_Tenthly,_

"My dear Nanao, what are you writing?" A whimsical voice sang out from behind her.

Nanao swirled around, one hand covering the letter and the other on the hilt of her zanpakuto. She relaxed her tense posture after a moment. "Oh. It's only you, taichou."

"Only me?" Kyouraku frowned mournfully. "Am I not enough to satisfy your desires, Nanao?"

The strict fukutaichou ignored his comments. "Go…do your paperwork or something."

"Nanaaaoooo, you're looking unusually flustered, hmm? Were you having naughty dreams about m—OW!" He was cut off by a sharp slap to the arm he was stealthily trying to wrap around Nanao.

"Of course not. Now go."

Kyouraku pouted childishly, but moved away from her. Instead of striding out of her office, however, he flopped onto her plush sofa, a stubborn expression on his face. Nanao sighed in annoyance, but didn't prod her taichou to leave. It was obvious he wasn't going anywhere.

Fully ignoring the alert Kyouraku staring curiously at her from his seat on the sofa, she summoned a Hell Butterfly. It fluttered its thin wings as she folded the paper into thirds, sealed it into an envelope, and attached it to the Hell Butterfly.

As the Hell Butterfly flew off, Nanao briefly wondered if Kyouraku actually liked her. Not just as a cute crush to pass time with, but actual love.

She knew he didn't. His 'love' for her was merely an affectionate, playful puppy love. Not one of those full-blown romances she voraciously read about day and night.

As if to further prove her point, Kyouraku called out from his spot on her sofa. "Nanaoooo-channn, I'm bored." She was definitely convinced that he viewed her as a source of entertainment.

"If I recall, there's a ready stack of unfinished paperwork waiting for you in _your _office, Kyouraku-taichou."

Her blunt tone didn't help her in matters of romance either. Nanao knew she wasn't especially charming or attractive or nice. Her breasts weren't big like Matsumoto-fukutaichou. She wasn't as bubbly and cute as Kusajishi-fukutaichou. She wasn't even particularly skillful or petite like Soi-Fon-taichou.

"Don't be like that, Nanaoooo."

"Shush." Nanao was surprised Kyouraku had even stuck with her for so long. The only thing she was good at was paperwork; he wouldn't allow her to fight or participate in battle.

"Heyyy. Tell me a storyyy, Nanaooo," Kyouraku begged beseechingly.

"If I do, will you go away and let me do my paperwork in peace?"

"Whatever you say, Nanao-chan!"

Nanao thought for a moment. "Okay. So once upon a time, there was a guy in the human world named Santa Claus."

Kyouraku's eyes started sparkling, and he leaned forward, as if eager to hear the rest of the tale.

"Santa Claus was fat. The end."

His face fell. "Nanaoooo, that didn't count! Who's Santa Claus?"

She frowned. "If I tell you, will you really go do your paperwork?"

"But of course! When do I _not _do your paperwork."

Nanao had never—in a hundred years—seen Kyouraku even touch a sheet of paperwork. But maybe he'd really get out of her hair and go do something productive, like write a list or take a walk. That was the most she could expect of him.

"Fine," she agreed, staring longingly at the piles of paperwork, just sitting there and waiting to be completed. "Every year on December 25, Santa Claus gives presents to everybody. But you have to write him a list and give it to Orihime-san, who is his helper. And the list can only have TEN items."

"Ooohh, how fun! Did you wish for me, Nanaooo?"

Nanao looked down, startled. She hoped he didn't notice her reaction. "O-Of course not, you baka. Now go away. You promised."

Kyouraku tried to sway Nanao with his best abandoned-puppy-dog-face, but his steely fukutaichou remained resolute. Finally, he slowly got up and walked off dejectedly.

As she watched him leisurely glide down the hallway, Nanao remembered what she'd written for the tenth wish.

_Tenthly, I wish Kyouraku truly loved me._

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Next is Kyouraku. Please send me ideas in a review, if possible. I have no idea what he'd want, besides Nanao and sake.

Thanks for reading!

Review!

~**Haunted**_Moonlight_~


	12. Shunsui Kyouraku

**A/N:** Okay, so some of my relatives are visiting, which means most of my time will be spent showing them around Cali. Which also means I won't be able to update as much, if at all, for a while. Sorry…

And yes, Kyouraku is supposed to be spelled 'Kyoraku,' but I already added the extra 'u' in the previous chapter, and I can't be bothered to change it. Sorry, but you're going to have to live with it.

_On an unrelated note, thanks to an anonymous review that helped me with this chapter!_

**Disclaimer: **Bleach belongs to its rightful owners. Unfortunately, not me.

* * *

><p><em><span>Recap:<span>_

"_Fine," she agreed, staring longingly at the piles of paperwork, just sitting there and waiting to be completed. "Every year on December 25, Santa Claus gives presents to everybody. But you have to write him a list and give it to Orihime-san, who is his helper. And the list can only have TEN items."_

"_Ooohh, how fun! Did you wish for me, Nanaooo?"_

_Nanao looked down, startled. She hoped he didn't notice her reaction. "O-Of course not, you baka. Now go away. You promised."_

_Kyouraku tried to sway Nanao with his best abandoned-puppy-dog-face, but his steely fukutaichou remained resolute. Finally, he slowly got up and walked off dejectedly. _

_As she watched him leisurely glide down the hallway, Nanao remembered what she'd written for the tenth wish._

_Tenthly, I wish Kyouraku truly loved me._

**11. Kyouraku Shunsui**

Kyouraku chuckled as he unhurriedly walked through the spacious Eighth Division hallways towards his office.

_I saw it! _He thought smugly to himself. He'd seen it—Nanao had, for a brief second, lost her cool.

Yes, that's right, Nanao. His delightful, cute fukutaichou who was always so resolutely annoyed at him. Nanao, who gave him 'obligation' chocolate every Valentine's Day.

Kyouraku allowed himself another heartily victorious laugh, eliciting surprised, awed glances from a few female underlings walking towards the training rooms. Normally, he would've waved and blown kisses at the young, pretty shinigami, but not today.

Today, he had something to do.

He picked up his sluggish pace as he neared the door to his office. Turning the knob, he fondly remembered the time he'd drunkenly painted the words 'I LOVE NANAO-CHAN' on the very same door. It had taken five hours for a flustered Nanao to remove the heavy-duty paint. Then it'd taken five minutes for her to throw his emergency sake supply out the window—all 948 bottles.

Kyouraku sat on his leather swivel chair and pursed his lips as he gingerly picked up a sake-bottle-shaped feather pen (Matsumoto's gift to him from when she was visiting Tokyo with a very reluctant Hitsugaya). How long had it been since he'd last picked up a writing utensil, much less actually put pen to paper?

_Too long. _He decided. He really had to stop relying on Nanao; one of these days, she was going to revolt and throw away his new emergency sake supply—all 797 bottles. He decided to acquire one of those unbreakable kido boxes to protect his sake.

That should probably be something to write down on the list to this Santa fellow, Kyouraku thought as he absentmindedly searched his desk drawers for a usable sheet of paper.

The drawers were stuffed to the brim with emptied bags of potato chips, tinfoil from numerous consumed sandwiches, miscellaneous human trinkets and toys he'd found here and there—even an old zanpakuto sheath and an empty, cracked sake bottle.

Finally, he came upon a nearly perfect sheet of lined paper (it only had a small ink smudge and a miniscule sake stain), no doubt ripped from one of the many notebooks he'd purchased in an attempt to become organized. Somehow, all of the notebooks had ended up shredded or similarly discarded. He suspected the ruination of those notebooks had been by the hand of a hyped up Yachiru, but oh well. Not like he had a use for them anyways.

_Hello Santa._

Kyouraku paused hesitantly, his pen wavering over the paper. How were you supposed to start letters again?

_It's supposed to be 'Dear Santa,' _he decided, resolutely drawing a line through his previous words and writing in a heavy cursive script:

_Dear Santa,_

He tried to remember the writing class he'd been forced to take for a semester at the Shinigami Academy. After the greeting came the introduction, then all the middle stuff, and then the conclusion and signature and whatnot.

_I'm Shunsui, taichou of the eighth division. I'm writing to you because I want my ten presents!~ _

Was that too blunt? Koyuraku's head spun from thinking so much. He wished he had a bottle of sake. _That should be enough of an intro, _he thought. No need to overexert his brain.

_One~ An unbreakable kido-enforced box, so I can keep my sake nice and safe! One that even my adorable, strong Nanao-chan can't break!_

_Two~ Sake gift cards!~~~ _

_Three~ I want all my paperwork to suddenly disappear! Like magic, POOF!_

_Four~ NANAO-CHAN!_

_Five~ NANAO CHAN!_

_Six~ NANAO CHAN!_

_Seven~ NANAO-CHAN!_

_Eight~ NANAO CHAN!_

_Nine~ NANA—wait a second, what was that I heard about a machine that can turn any liquid into sake? I want one! I can turn old man Yama's tea into sake! Hahahoho!_

_Ten~ Hmmm, how about a two-pack of tickets for Disneyland?~ So I can go with Nanao-chan! _

_That's ten, I think! Please deliver them to me on December Twenty-fifth, especially number four. and number five. and six, seven, and eight. _

_Thank you!_

_Kyouraku Shunsui~_

"That should do!" Kyouraku exclaimed to no one in particular. "I'll just walk down to the First Division barracks to deliver this by SenkaiMail…"

He folded the sheet of paper and signed his name on the back in lieu of an envelope.

Perfect.

-oOoOo-

Kyouraku hummed a cheerful melody to himself as he walked towards the First Division. A white haired man caught his attention. _Why, if it isn't Juushiro! _He thought, surprised. It was rare to see Ukitake roaming the streets of Seireitei.

"Hey, Juushiro! What brings you out here?"

"Ah, Shunsui!" Ukitake beamed good-naturedly. He clenched a bag of koi food in his right hand. "I was just buying some food for the koi in my pond. And what about you?"

"Just delivering a letter."

Ukitake's face registered shock. "_You?_ Wrote a _letter?_"

"Hey, hey, it's not _that _astonishing, is it?" Kyouraku said defensively. Just because he chose to be lazy didn't mean he was always lazy. Well, maybe it did, but still… "I do write every now and then, you know?"

"Sure, sure. What's that letter about?"

Kyouraku hesitated. "…Well, I don't know if you'll believe me."

"Shunsui, I'm not sure you can shock me anymore." The white-haired man laughed.

"We'll see about that." He said. "You see, there's this fat bearded man in the human world named Santa Claus. And every year…I think it was on December 25…he delivers presents to each and every person. But you have to write him a list of ten things you want and give the letter to Inoue Orihime."

"…Maybe I was wrong about you not being able to shock me anymore."

"Hey, it's not _that _crazy, is it, Juushiro?"

Ukitake paused. "Well, by '_that _crazy,' how crazy do you mean…?"

"That bad, huh?"

"…Yes. I think so."

Kyouraku shrugged. "Whatever, I'll still send the letter off. Who knows…it might actually be true. I got nothing to lose!"

"Point taken, old friend," Ukitake chuckled. "I'll get going now. See you later."

"Bye," Kyouraku waved and walked off towards the tall First Division barracks building.

Ukitake watched him go. _A Santa Claus, huh? Interesting…_

* * *

><p><strong>AN: ** Yes, I shamelessly used Nanao for 4 through 8 because I couldn't think of anything else…

And I invented the term 'SenkaiMail.' I just combined 'Senkaimon' and 'Mail,' haha.

If anyone wants to tell me some tips for writing Ukitake's letter—as well as what he would wish for—that would be nice. Really nice. Because I don't know much about Ukitake, to be honest, besides that he's usually ill, always nice, likes giving candy out to Hitsugaya, and admires koi.

**NOTE: AFTER UKITAKE, SHOULD I DO SENTAROU AND KIYONE IN A DOUBLE-CHAPTER, OR SHOULD I DO THEM SEPERATELY? **

**PERSONALLY, I THINK IT WOULD BE EASIER DOING A LONG DOUBLE-CHAPTER (AS THEY'RE NOT PARTICULARLY FEATURED IN THE CANON STORYLINES), BUT I'D LIKE MY READERS' OPINIONS. **

**SO IF YOU COULD VOTE OR TELL ME WHAT YOU PREFER, I'LL TAKE IT INTO ACCOUNT.**

_THANK YOU! _

~**Haunted**_Moonlight_~


	13. Juushiro Ukitake

**A/N: **This will possibly—probably—be updated weekly. I'm not sure yet, as I'm horrible at sticking to my previous plans. But don't despair, I will try my best to update ASAP.

If you want me to update more often, please give me ideas for the captains' and vice-captains' lists. Seriously, I have _no _idea what's a single item half of the captains and vice-captains would want, much less TEN items. I'm seriously considering shortening the lists to five, but then it would be weird. Ugh.

Also, I understand if you prefer different spellings of the names, such as the more officialized spellings 'Jushiro,' 'Kyoraku,' 'Toushirou,' etc, but I spell it the way I _want _to spell it. As long as you know who I'm talking about, I don't see how it matters.

I tried my best to keep Ukitake in-character with his good humor and everything. I hope it's to your liking. I tried to improve my writing a bit, and made this chapter slightly longer than the previous.

**Disclaimer: **Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite, who I will smack in the head with a frying pan if he doesn't make HitsuMatsu, ByaChiru, and KyourakuNanao canon couples.

* * *

><p><em><span>Recap:<span>_

_Kyouraku shrugged. "Whatever, I'll still send the letter off. Who knows…it might actually be true. I got nothing to lose!"_

"_Point taken, old friend," Ukitake chuckled. "I'll get going now. See you later."_

"_Bye," Kyouraku waved and walked off towards the tall First Division barracks building. _

_Ukitake watched him go. A Santa Claus, huh? Interesting…_

**12. Juushiro Ukitake**

"Hello, Ukitake-taichou," Kiyone beamed affably at Ukitake as he strode towards his garden, koi food in hand and a pouch slung over his shoulders.

"Ukitake-taichou, can I carry that for you?" Sentarou thundered, trying to one-up a fuming Kiyone.

"No, he wants _me _to carry it!" The younger Kotetsu sister yelled, elbowing past Sentarou and grabbing onto one end of the bag of koi food.

Sentarou glared at his co-third seat and took the other end. "Give it to me!"

"Let go!"

"You let go!"

"_You _let go!"

The bag tore open with a loud _riiiiiiiiip, _spilling small multi-colored pellets all over the tiled floor. Ukitake sighed and pulled out a second identical bag from the small pouch he was carrying; he'd learned to always purchase extras when it came to dealing with his two competitive third seats.

"I apologize, Ukitake-taichou!" Sentarou cried, bowing.

"I apologize more, Ukitake-taichou!" Kiyone echoed, getting on her knees and bowing.

Ukitake sighed. "Instead of apologizing, why don't you guys start picking up those koi food pellets?"

"Hai!" The two shouted simultaneously, paused to glower murderously at each other, and started cleaning up the wayward koi food flakes. As they concentrated on who could sweep more of the small pellets up, their captain discreetly scooted down the hall and escaped to his garden; or, as he called it, his personal oasis.

He tore open a corner of the new koi food bag and sprinkled the colorful flakes over the lake, smiling as the koi eagerly swam up to the surface to devour some of the food.

_Santa Claus…_His mind strayed back to his conversation with Kyouraku as he sat and watched the vibrant-colored koi swim around. It was his favorite place to quietly think. Even Kiyone and Sentarou knew not to bother him when he was in his garden.

_He gives out gifts, huh? _Ukitake pondered, absentmindedly picking up a flower and twirling it under his nose. Its scent was pleasingly sweet. _A list of ten items…given to Orihime-san before December 25…Anything you want…_

The white haired taichou was still musing over the curious thought of such a person's existence—seriously, who existed to give out _gifts?_—when someone politely tapped his shoulder, successfully interrupting his reverie.

He laid the white flower down. "Hello, Kuchiki-san."

Rukia grinned at her captain. "Hey, Ukitake-taichou. Something wrong? You seem to be a bit distracted; you didn't even hear me when I called your name from inside."

Ukitake hadn't been aware of someone calling him. "Sorry, I was just thinking about someone."

"A girl?" Rukia's taichou was one of the most respected and liked captains, but she couldn't fathom the thought of him on a date with a girl. "Maybe Soi-Fon…?"

"No, no, of course not," Ukitake chuckled, though was that disappointment that flashed through his eyes? "Rather, I was wondering about a jolly old bearded man."

Rukia almost fainted. Her taichou liked _men_? There was nothing wrong with men liking men or vice-versa, Rukia amended, but her _taichou? _

Ukitake correctly read the stricken look on his underling's face and laughed good-naturedly. "Haha, not in that way, Kuchiki-san!"

"Oh," Rukia giggled nervously.

"Rather, it's about this fellow named Santa Cla—"

"No way! You know about Santa?" The petite girl's face lit up like a child's on Christmas morning, though that wasn't so far off. "I'm surprised the news has already gotten to Seireitei!"

"…You also know of this Santa Claus fellow?"

"Sure do!"

"So it's true?" Ukitake was still a bit skeptical. He trusted her, of course, but it just seemed so fantastical._ Then again, _he thought wryly, _you could say the same of the existence of shinigami and hollows._

Rukia suppressed a laugh at her taichou's conflicted expression. "I should say so, Ukitake-taichou."

"Alright then," Ukitake grinned, somewhat reassured. "I should get started on my letter then…_oh!_"

"Taichou?"

"Was there something you needed to ask of me, Kuchiki-san? I remember you said you called me earlier as well…"

"No, no, I was just worried you'd catch cold, taichou. It's already mid-December and you only have your haori on." Rukia pursed her lips. "Really, you should at least don a jacket!"

"Haha, I'm going in anyways, but thanks for your concern."

"Anytime, sir!" She beamed at his gratitude and quickly shunpo'd indoors; there was a fat pile of paperwork on her desk that wasn't going anywhere.

Ukitake stared amusedly after the swiftly retreating figure. She'd make a fine vice-captain, or maybe even a captain one day. But his concentration today was focused on an entirely different matter. He stood up, brushed a few strands of grass from his white haori, and leisurely made his way to the large glass door and stepped into the long hallway.

Sentarou and Kiyone had gone; their best point was that they never neglected their duties (read: paperwork). They even bickered over who could finish their work the fastest and neatest, which led to the Thirteenth Division almost never owing paperwork in contrast to the paperwork-swamped Tenth Division and the Eleventh Division, whose paperwork always managed to conveniently get misplaced.

He stepped into his office and sunk into his heavenly soft leather office chair. Another good point of his third seats were their extravagant, much appreciated presents. Someone had left a still-piping-hot cup of tea on his desk, probably Rukia. He had to thank her the next time her saw her.

Sipping the tea—earl grey, he presumed—he rummaged through his well-stocked drawers and placed an ornate silver-and-gold pen (a gift from Kiyone) and a sheet of thick, expensive, custom-embroidered stationary (a gift from Sentarou) on his desk.

_Dear Santa-san,_

_Hello there! My name is Ukitake, Juushiro Ukitake. I'm the taichou of the Thirteenth Division. According to Kuchiki-san, Shunsui, and, probably, others, you will gift me with ten presents on the morning of the twenty-fifth. So I'm presenting you with my ten presents… Get it? 'Presenting you?' 'Presents?' Haha!_

_First off the top of my head, I'd like a tree trimming set, complete with a set of sharp tree trimmers! My bonsai is getting a bit lopsided._

_Secondly, a big, big bag of candy would be dandy. Get it? Dandy, candy? Hahaha! I seem to be rather humorous today! Must be thanks to the koi, which brings me to my third present._

_I'd like an extra bag of koi food or two, just in case Kiyone and Sentarou manage to get to my current bags. Better safe than sorry!_

_What's this? Fourth? Well, good ol' Toshiro's birthday is on December 20, which is in two days, so how about a few lollipops for him? And maybe even a Toshiro doll, hahaha! Because we're like siblings! We both have white hair, you know? We're Whitey-chans! Hahaha!_

_Fifth, eh? While we're at dolls, let's just get one for every taichou and fukutaichou, including my two third seats. Plush sewn dolls, of course! Haha, that'll be their birthday presents, along with a big, big handful of lollipops!_

_Sixthly, how about a bit of good earl grey tea mix? That would be great; tea really helps my medicines go down quickly! _

_Seven…hmm, how difficult. What about this? A two-person, two-day pass to Seireitei's best onsen and spa, for Kiyone and Sentarou! So they can bond! Haha, how nice!_

_Eightly, maybe miscellaneous medicinal herbs for use in my garden? I'd love to cultivate herbs, it seems fun! And Unohana-taichou does so, so how hard can it be?_

_We're already at nine? What a surprise. Oh, yes, I need some of the allergy medication from the human world. It's so much effective than the shinigami version. Spring is no fun without cherry blossom viewing sessions! Haha, how nice!_

_Last but not least! I have nothing more I'd really like, so let's just say that I hope spring will be peaceful and beautiful! Haha!_

_Thank you!_

_Juushiro Ukitake :)_

Ukitake signed his name with a flourish and added one of his signature smiley-faces. Life was so much more fun when passed through with a smile on one's face.

"Sentarou, Kiyone," he called out, his voice not above a whisper. Even though he was barely audible, the two were in his office within seconds.

"Hai, sir?" They saluted, and Ukitake suppressed a chuckle. Sometimes he wondered if he was a taichou or an army lieutenant. In his third seats' eyes, he was probably a bit of both.

"Please deliver this to Orihime-san. I think she's in Seireitei right now actually, visiting Matsumoto-fukutaichou and Kuchiki-san." Ukitake carefully folded the letter into two. Sentarou beamed when he noticed that it was the paper he gifted his taichou, and Kiyone did the same as soon as she saw the pen he had been using.

"Hai!" After a moment's hesitation, Kiyone spoke up. "Er…what's this for, taichou?"

"For Santa!" He smiled secretively.

"Santa?" Sentarou echoed, confusion spreading across his features.

"Santa." Ukitake affirmed.

"Who's he?"

Ukitake motioned towards the two chairs on the other side of his desk, and Kiyone took a seat. Sentarou followed her lead, albeit with a scowl. He disliked his co-third seat doing things before him. Kiyone gloated at him before turning her attention back to her precious taichou, who smiled at both of them invitingly.

"Let me explain…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Yeah, the koi pond would probably be a bit frozen up in December, and there probably wouldn't be many flowers or greenery around, but oh well. It's a story. Let's just say the garden's surrounded by a kido or something that prevents it from freezing. That's not TOO far-fetched, is it?

Also, what the heck is that 'official' name for tree trimmers? Seriously, I have no idea. Are they called 'pruners' or just 'trimmers' or what? Please tell me, I'm desperate to know and Google's no help…

I _implied _that Ukitake likes Soi-Fon, but I won't actually elaborate on that, unless you want me to do so. If you do, tell me and I'll consider. Soi-Fon's chapter is yet to come, remember? ;)

Another thing, in the storyline, the whole koi-pond and bonsai are in his Ugendo family estate (apparently, Ukitake has a family estate). But for all intent and purposes, I relocated the pond and bonsai to his division's offices/barracks.

_When I go back and read my first few chapters, I can spot SO MANY MISTAKES. Seriously, it kills me, but I don't want to edit and re-upload all the chapters, so oh well… Maybe one day I'll go back and fix my amateur writing skills. Maybe. _

Thanks for reading, I'd appreciate a review!

~**Haunted**_Moonlight_~


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